Confidential Report on the Elvis Experience

Reporting Agent : Papa Joe Mama

Occurrence Date: March 28, 1998

It was the Beast of Times, it was the Worst of the End Times: Janor Hypercleets and Papa Joe joined forces with Medula Oblongada and carried the torch of "Bob" through the burning streets of Savannah. Many a gullible Pink and Normal were duped into attending the Devival at the Velvet Elvis. The shock and dismay on their faces, once they realized "The King" wasn't going to appear, but instead, the "Crown Prince of Slack"- it was a sight to behold.

Satan opened the festivities and invited all the lost souls to join forces and rip the wings off the angels like bad boys do flies. The audience shifted uneasily in their seats. "This is a joke, right?" Their concerns were only magnified as the evening progressed.

It looked like it was going to be a catastrophe. After all, EVERYTHING was GOING WRONG: The internet simulcast was nixed because the phone line had to be preserved to run credit cards. The Show was running late by... not 30, not 60, but 90 minutes! Janor was missing and called minutes before everything started to ask if he could take a nap. The Three Minutes Hate was missing- all 200 seconds assembled by Papa Joe as he spun through the TV dial to capture the images of the Subgenius Who's Who of "Most Hated" Pinks- including Princess Di, Jesse Helms, Clinton, Newt, Hillary Rodham, Monica, Paula Jones, Ted Koppel, Barbara Streisand, Mary Tylor Moore, Dan Rather, Bill Gates, Ted Turner, Jane Fonda, Trump, Willie Brown, Jerry Brown, Jerry Far well, Ted Kennedy, Joe Kennedy, JFK, Mother Teresa, Peter Jennings, Seinfeld, Tom Hanks, Whoopi Goldberg, Ron Howard, William Shatner, Cokie Roberts, Janet Reno, Ra lf Nader, Einstein, Tiger Woods, Shirley Temple, Alan Alda, Christopher Reeves, and Mother Terisa- all the most despicable people on tape, all LOST! Yet despite these insurmountable odds, the subgenius attack forces sharpened their weapons and plunged forward with their assault. The result? One of the most beautiful, seamless, fast paced devivals ever captured on video.

As Satan taunted the crowd, "Bob" appeared and was shot in cold blood! Medula Oblongada fired up the band and the music parted the sea of smoke. Janor Hypercleets entered the building. The crowd went wild. Janor gave the masses what they wanted: Absolute Nonsense. Time flew until Papa Joe slithered on the stage and reported a blow by blow account of Princess Di vs. Mother Terisa in a mud wrestling match. (The younger slut won). Medula orchestrated several short plays, wherein various moments of Church Doctrine were recreated for the foolish mortals. "Bob" was brought hack to life in time to receive an anal probe by Xist aliens. (That's worth the price of resurrection alone!) Connie got jealous and had to be abducted. Jesus Christ - the first version (not the Subgenius Church of Latter-day Clones version) appeared and was dispensed in short order. The crowd was horrified. Papa Joe took to the stage in full Inquisitor garb and lead the mob in Subgenius Confession. His Psychic 8-ball was in top form, condemning all who confessed to multiple and lethal lashes from the Penance Paddle. A drunk and disorderly woman from the crowd (not a plant) took the stage to spank the men who confessed. In-between sobs, they all managed to beg, "Thank you "Bob", may I have another?" Papa Joe and his female companion in torture were generous with the pain. Rest assured the victim's soul wasn't the only thing PINK afterwards...

Then the sacred lock box containing the holy bleeding head of Arnold Palmer was brought forth. Janor Hypercleets was summoned to the stage to pilot the head into space. After retrieving the key from a sealed envelope from the Museum of Tolerance, Papa Joe opened the lock box and produced the sickest, most decomposed head ever to be launched. The audience gasped. Papa Joe assured them that the head wasn't really real, but that it would BECOME real after being hit with the latest in Xist technology: The Sacred 9 iron fitted with Arnold Palmer DNA injectors that... well, it's too technical to explain here, but the bottom line is that the rubber head TRANSUBSTANTIATES into the living, dying head of Arnold Palmer. This tear in the fabric of time and space is only temporary, however. The fake head and real head can only swap for a short period of time, but long enough to fowl up a really good game of golf. The end result is that EVEN IF The Con managed to steal the head- something that happens way too often during devivals- the thief would make it back to police headquarters with totally worthless evidence. Yet even after this warning, the disbelievers refused to believe. The head was launched and quickly stolen by an agent provocateur hiding somewhere in the audience. Again, the police thought they had "Bob" where they wanted him. But again, they were sadly disappointed when the head returned to its rubber state. Will they ever learn?

Janor hypnotized the audience with classic "Doctors for Bob" hits including "Dobbs Approved" and "Told the Judge to Suck my Dick". Members from the band GAM played on. Rev. Jim Jones passed out cool-aid and brought the show to a screaming finish. It was beautiful, man. You shoulda been there...

And that was that. The clock struck midnight and the Velvet Elvis turned back into a Pink bar. The audience shuffled out into the night air and blended in among the normals. Yet- could it be- that one, maybe even TWO or THREE were SAVED?! Let us hope so, for THEIR sake!

Rev. Bootleg has highlights at http://www.3dway.com/bootleg/subg/980328/